Fall Couture 2013: The Bad

Oh dear.

This haute couture season was so chock full of steamers, it was hard to whittle it down to a user friendly list, but I managed.

Here are the top offenders.

Captions follow the pictures.

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Christian Dior. Words do not describe how horrible this dress is.  This is one of those ‘where the F is she going to wear this to’ dresses. Any idiot who walks a red carpet in this clunker deserves every finger viciously pointed at her. It’s like someone cut up prison uniforms and tossed them under an unfortunate child’s jumper.

Christophe Josse, Couture, Fall Winter, 2013, Paris

Christophe Josse. I’d like a 30,000 dollar dress that conceals every possible curve of my body and drowns me in a rainbow of beige please! Said no one ever…

 On Aura Tout Vu, Couture, Fall Winter, 2013, Paris

On Aura Tout Vu. I really want to see the massive clouds of cocaine these people snort before they start to design clothes each season. Not only is the color palate terrible, but the construction looks sloppy and amateurish. I’m all for taking chances, but you’re an haute couture house in 2013; there is absolutely no excuse for hot pants that don’t fit!

Christian Dior, Couture, Fall Winter, 2013, Paris

Christian Dior. Wow! Two in one season! You guys must be so proud. This is less of a dress and more of a ‘Hey guys! Let’s just toss some fabric on a mannequin and see what happens’ moment. “Should we hide the tacky black belt that holds up the skirt?” Nah; IT’S FASHION!

Giambattista Valli, Couture, Fall Winter, 2013, Paris

Giambattista Valli. I don’t have an issue with the cut of this garment in theory, but what the Hell happened to the color story. Magenta, avocado, black and lilac? Really? If ever there was an excuse to buy a new box of crayons. Oh, and what’s up with those giant granny panties? Was there a sale at the Underalls factory?

Eric Tibusch, Couture, Fall Winter, 2013, Paris

Eric Tibusch. I don’t know what compelled this designer to print Chris Hardwick’s face on a dress, but hey, more power to you.

Oscar Carvallo, Couture, Fall Winter, 2013, Paris

Oscar Carvallo. Is it me or is her dress being attacked by a million, flattened, road kill gerbils?

Vionnet Couture, Fall Winter, 2013, Paris

Vionnet. So the story goes that there was a shipping SNAFU and the dresses weren’t going to arrive at the presentation in time, so the atelier had to remake most of the samples in like 48 hours. Well, I’m here to tell you all that IT SHOWS! Personally, I would have just cancelled the presentation because there is absolutely no excuse for an haute couture studio to present shoddy construction like that. This looks like home sewing at its worst! The puckering around the bloody chainsaw embroidery is bad enough, but the points on the V’s at the neckline make me want to press an iron to her chest and hold it there… forever.

Valentino, Couture, Fall Winter, 2013, Paris

Valentino. There is a rhinoceros on her chest. A dress that costs in excess of 60,000 dollars has a rhinoceros on its chest. On purpose. No, for real. A rhinoceros. An haute couture rhino.

Viktor and Rolf, Couture, Fall Winter, 2013, Paris

Viktor & Rolf. What a disappointment. This was supposed to be a brilliant return to the world of haute couture for the Dutch duo, but the entire collection just fizzled out like wet fart. The theme was supposed to a relaxing, Zen garden, but mostly it just left me frustrated and in need of hitting someone.

chanel

Chanel. Haute couture house coat or bathroom floor? YOU DECIDE! Seriously Karl? This is what took over 100 hours to produce and was then paraded down a runway for the public to see? The lumpy, dowdy dress shape was bad enough, but did we really need the upside down fireplace shovel hat?

 OK kids, that’s it for now. I’ll be back soon with some project updates.

Seriously, where the Hell has this year gone?

G

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