New York Spring 2014: The Bad

I’m typing this with a clothespin on my nose because this steaming pile of rotten fashion stinks like a garbage barge!

No need to be polite about this, so let’s tuck into the crap!

Captions follow images.

Calvin Klein

Calvin Klein. The last day of NY fashion week and we had to wait for this? Unless this dress is free with purchase, I don’t think any woman should fork out the 800 plus dollars for this unfinished simplicity pattern on crack. Seriously, who is still doing raw edges like this? The entire collection was raw. I get that you want a natural way of letting the fabric breathe, but couldn’t you do it cheaper than signature Calvin Klein collection?

Chadwick Bell

Chadwick Bell. God damn, that’s ugly. It’s like a mattress and a set of cheap motel curtains got into a fight then had angry make-up sex on that unfortunate model’s body.

DKNY

DKNY. I don’t even know where to start with this look; it’s like she’s wearing nine different outfits. Donna, sweetie, please pick a trend and stick with it. Nothing about this makes sense. From hair, to make up, to layers, to shoes, this one has ‘confusion’ written all over it. Hell, even the model look perplexed!

Karen Walker

Karen Walker. This young lady has given up all will to live and is walking towards the top floor of the Chrysler building so she can swan dive off the top. That or she’s a model in Karen Walker’s spring collection, one the other. But in all fairness, if I had to wear that in a fashion show, I’d probably want to end my life too.

Lisa Perry

Lisa Perry.
Dear Lisa, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
I await your response.
Thank you.

Peter Som

Peter Som. Well, that’s Som ugly crap you sent out this season.  What always gets me with looks like this is that it got designed, sewn, fitted and styled, then pushed out onto a runway without ANYONE saying “Damn, that’s hideous and unflattering.” Look at it. It’s not even a cute maternity dress. It looks like a giant air filter, with straps.

Ralph Lauren

Ralph Lauren. “I’d like a giant, medical green evening dress with an unflattering cut across the hips and raunchy ruffle choking my shoulder please!”… said no one ever. Shame on you Ralph Lauren! You have designed some beautiful gowns in the past, but you really phoned it in on this collection. This is just lazy.

Rucci

Ralph Rucci. Oh that poor model. First she was forced into a hideous strapless tunic and pants outfit, then run over by some kids on dirt bikes who spilled their orange flavored slushies all over her. Bless her heart! She still had the courage to walk the runway afterwards. What a trooper!

Vera Wang

Vera Wang. The lines make no sense on this. There are about eight seams too many on the yellow part. And that print! It’s like a YIELD sign gone terribly wrong. Stick to wedding dresses V, ‘cause your ready-to-wear is all jacked up!

Zimmerman

Zimmerman. I really have nothing against patchwork clothes. I love them actually, but damn, this one is awful. The hem is too full to support the proportions and the cutting is gimmicky at best. The sheer inserts do not help with the model’s skin tone and those shoes! Wow! The straps make them look like ski boots. And s’up with the sleeves?  All around, a colossal design fail.

***************************************************************

Well now, it is rare that one designer has two things on one of my lists. Usually I just pick the worst of the offending garments and go with it, but this time, one lucky designer has earned the right to carry two completely revolting looks on his own. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Zac Posen’s lack of evening wear design skills.

Zac Posen 2

Nana called. She wants her nightgown and inflatable bed jacket back sweetie. Oh and the bride of Frankenstein confirmed your appointment to get your hair set again next week.  Thanks.

Zac Posen

I’m thinking the design brief for this dress read something like this:
“Needed. Hideous gown that swallows the model, is made of the worst hue of mauve known to man and has a print that looks like water stains. Make sure it has plenty of unflattering ruffles at the bodice and one of the most confusing hems in the history of fashion.”
NAILED IT!

Next, London’s calling!!

Toodles!

G

 

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6 thoughts on “New York Spring 2014: The Bad

  1. OMG… the description on Chadwick Bell had me rolling…crying…laughing all at once….you have a fabulous way with words!!!

  2. Actually, Mr. Muniz, I think YOU are the only one who actually nailed it. These designs are a joke – even for someone who might consider his or her self a designer! Keep up the good work at setting them straight, Gilbert!

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