Spring 2014 Haute Couture: The Bad

Spring Haute Couture 2014: The Bad

Well, “bad” really isn’t the best word for it. Don’t get me wrong, some of the things on the runways were terrible, but overall, this season was very boring. A few designers tried reviving Marry McFadden, details were kept to a minimum and NO ONE knew where the box of crayons were because this spring, designers worked with the dullest palette imaginable.

Let’s tuck in to the less-than-stellar end of the collections.
Descriptions follow images.

THE BAD

Alexis Mabille.

Alexis Mabille Couture Collection Spring Summer 2014 in Paris, Fashion Show.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the best designers make the good AND bad lists; case in point. I have no idea what’s happening here. It looks like  Carol Burnett when she did the Went with the Wind spoof on her show and left the curtain rod in the shoulders. Seriously, I’ve seen less draping on theater stage curtains!

Chanel.

chanel bad

What can you say about a collection that featured haute couture knee pads?! This collection just kept getting worse and worse the longer it went on.  Yes, she is wearing sneakers. No, I don’t know why. From the hair and styling, to this dress that looks like a black chicken got shot out of a cannon onto this unfortunate model’s body, the whole thing was regrettable and hopefully, forgettable.

Dior.

dior bad

Dear God, make Raf Simons stop, PLEASE! The press said he added “air and lightness” to the house. I think he added misshapen models and dowdy hem lengths.

Honestly, when the fifty thousand dollar dress you just sent on the runway makes a size zero model look heavy, you’ve done something wrong.

Eric Tibusch.

Eric Tibusch, Couture, Spring Summer, 2014, Paris

I think these two got lost on the way to get married in Vegas and just decided to walk the runway for giggles.

And who is that hunky guy kidding? There is no way he could wear white to his own wedding?!

Gaultier.

Jean Paul Gaultier Couture Spring Summer 2014 Paris

Jean Paul has been, in my opinion, in a slump lately with the couture. It seems his work, although beautifully made, has been rather simple and uninteresting. This season was inspired by butterflies and it was VERY obvious. The fact that no stitch of irony was woven through the collection made me long for the Gaultier of the past. I don’t know what the Hell is going on with this look, but it’s unflattering, odd and those shoulders would be classified as deadly weapon in 43 states.  Even the hair piece looks like a clearance craft project from Michael’s.

Maison Martin Margiela.

MMM bad

EYE SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE! No, seriously, I see it and I’m not pleased. What the Hell part of this is supposed to be couture? The dress looks like it was balled up and sat on for a few hours and the gloves are, at best, goofy.  I’ve seen better gimmicks and construction on design school, end-of-term runways.

On Aura Tou Vu.

On Aura Tout Vu Haute Couture Spring Summer 2014 Paris

All aboard the yacht to Crazy Town! Here is Captain Idiot to guide you on your journey! I’m not exactly sure what he is supposed to be though: A bedazzled football player? The gayest ski instructor ever? Love Boat fanatic?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Oscar Carvallo.

Oscar Carvallo, Couture, Spring Summer, 2014, Paris

This is a clear cut case of the dress wearing the model. Geez lady, lighten up! Shouldn’t a bride be happy on her wedding day? Mind you, not many brides have to wear steel belted radial gowns on their big day, but still a smile wouldn’t kill you.

Schiaparelli.

Schiaparelli bad

Mrs. Roper lost one of her muumuus a while ago… I think I know who found it. I realize the house of Schiaparelli has a tradition of bizarre prints and patterns, but at one point, your clients will look like the business end of a circus clown’s ass.

Tony Yaacoub.

Yiqing Yin Couture Spring Summer 2014 Paris

Dang. Hookers now-a-days can get into any event they want, huh? Oh wait. This is a model? On a runway? My bad…

No really, who makes a dress with that short a hem line anymore? And why does it have a tulle tumor growing out of it? And what nun did you steal that collar from? Too many questions I fear we’ll never get answered…

Ulyana Sergeenko.

Ulyana Sergeenko Couture Spring Summer 2014 Paris

Yes, I’d like a dumpy dress that makes me look like I’m smuggling a beach ball. Oh, and It needs to be made in a print that make me look like i’m wearing a set of curtains from the White House in the 70’s.

What’s that? You know the perfect designer? Well, sign me up, Honey!

Valentino.

Valentino, Couture, Spring Summer, 2014, Paris

Oh, you’re still awake after viewing this dress? Well, damn, I figured it would have put you to sleep instantly so I didn’t really prepare anything. Umm, yeah…

This collection was the pits. From comical appliques to the most depressing color palette imaginable, this was a miss for the normally regal house. Now, I love neutrals, but at one point, it all starts to blend together and becomes terribly forgettable – especially when you send a shapeless tube dress down the runway.

Giambattista Valli.

Valli bad

Once again, Giambattista has started slapping designer, magnetic poetry to the fridge with reckless abandon and is continuing to crank out confusing , piecemeal nonsense like this thing. I think it was made from all the leftovers off the cutting room floor.

Also, take a look a the front hem of the beige peplum. You know, for a dress that probably costs thirty thousand dollars, it shouldn’t be misshapen like that.

Vionnet.

Vionnet, Couture, Spring Summer, 2014, Paris

MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STAAAAAAAAHHHHHHPP!!

The new designer at this house, Hussein Chalayan, has butchered the foundations of the Vionnet name so egregiously, he should be held in custody by the fashion police! The Vionnet name stands for bias cut beauty, innovation and skilled workmanship. All the new designer has conjured up is tragedy, crap and confusion. This dress looks like a shiny potato sack and frankly, not worth as much.

OK kids, The Good is up next.

Toodles!

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2 thoughts on “Spring 2014 Haute Couture: The Bad

  1. Wawwww you are crazy funny you make our day!!!!Thanks taking fashion on that side!It is rare and make us enjoy .You are welcome at on aura tout vu when you wish!!!!It will be great to see you! Continue to do it !! We love 🙂 The designers of on aura tout vu:-)Yassen &Livia

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