Paris Couture Week: The Aftermath

Fall 2014 Paris Haute Couture week is a thing of the past, and what a delicious feast it was! I rarely declare my favorites, but I’m giving this season to Stephane Rolland and Atelier Versace. Those two houses knocked it out of the park with stellar collections.

Having said that, well…

Let’s face it, with the good, comes the bad and boy, did we get the bad this season. Now, like I’ve said before, some of the best collections have pieces in both the hit and miss columns. You can’t expect a chef to prepare a banquet and not serve a turkey every now and then; so, without further ado…

I present haute couture that… I just can’t…

(Captions follow images.)

Rami Al AliHaute Couture Fall Winter 2014_15 Paris July 2014

“I’d like to try on the giant, pink vagina dress, please.”  …Said no Rami Al Ali, haute couture client, ever.

Chanel, Haute Couture, Fall Winter, 2014, Fashion Show in Paris

Somewhere in the jungle, a gorilla shivers in the night because those bastards at Chanel skinned his legs to make the weirdest arm warmers in existence.  Damn those things are goofy. Any higher and it would look like the model forgot to shave her pits for the last ten years. Now, I know they are feathers, but Hell, King Kong would be jealous of her arms’ fullness.

Fred Sathal, Couture, Fall Winter, 2014, Fashion Show in Paris

NINETAILS! I CHOOSE YOU! Ninetails used attract. It failed. Ninetails fainted.

Honestly, I’m convinced Fred Sathal trained a bunch of stray cats with well-groomed tails to hold onto a corset or something while the model took to the runway.

Giorgio Armani Privé, Couture, Fall Winter, 2014, Fashion Show in Paris

It looks like Armani’s secretary was trying to install a new adding machine ribbon when everything went horribly wrong.

Maison Martin Margiela, Couture, Fall Winter, 2014, Fashion Show in Paris

Dear Maison Martin Margiela, please give my aunt Edith back her living room curtains. The bright light streaming in from the morning sun hurts her eyes.

Schiaparelli, Couture, Fall Winter, 2014, Fashion Show in Paris

This Schiaparelli dress looks like it caught some terrible virus from the leopard carpet.  I see that the darkness has already spread to the model’s gloves. Oh, and on a personal note, it KILLS me that they used double the printed fabric in the bodice. It throws off the soft butter color on the rest of the dress and is making the OCD in me twitch.

Serkan Cura, Haute Couture, Fall Winter, 2014, Fashion Show in Paris

I have no idea how or why her reproductive system exited her body, got covered in glitter and started attacking her, but I hope Serkan Cura figures it out before he makes any more dresses.

Frank Sorbier, Haute Couture, Fall Winter, 2014, Fashion Show in Paris

I don’t want to know what she stuffed down the front of her pants to give her a package because she looks like the kind of girl who can kick my ass.

On Aura Tout Vu, Couture, Fall Winter, 2014, Fashion Show in Paris

Why do I feel that she could get a job serving hors d’oeuvres at the On Aura Tout Vu after-party? Just skewer the boiled shrimp to the crystals and carry some cocktail sauce in a handbag. Maybe she should be wearing a skirt made of napkins.

Oscar Carvallo, Couture, Fall Winter, 2014, Fashion Show in Paris

Why did Oscar Caravallo steal his mamma’s kitchen curtains to make a skirt? And he’d better give his dog back its cone or you just know the damn thing’s gonna lick those stitches.

Until next season!!

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