Report: Spring 2017 Haute Couture

I’m having a difficult time reconciling the recent spring 2017 haute couture collections (hence this post’s tardiness). There’s a bizarre dichotomy happening now that puts me at odds with what couture houses are supposed to stand for, and what they have become. Haute couture has never been about making money, which seems odd considering how much money it costs to produce. Sure, pieces get sold and there is some profit, but ultimately, haute couture is and has always been a money-loser. Design houses make their real money on licensing deals (hand bags, shoes and make-up) because they can be pushed at lower price points to more consumers. Haute couture’s purpose has always been to make special clothes for clients that can afford the exorbitant prices. Contemporary pieces are still hand-made using familiar traditions, but with ready-to-wear production getting better, faster and more detailed, several of the couture collections are beginning to look more and more like clothes that are already hanging on store racks.

Yeah, they’re pretty, but sometimes, that’s all they are.

What’s missing from MANY of the couture collections is fantasy.
This is, of course, my opinion. I neither produce haute couture, nor have to staff a design house. I see the couture collections as brand-building muscle-flexing for the ateliers and partly as entertainment. I can appreciate the workmanship, details and savoir-faire in every piece, even the boring ones, but when it comes down to it, the best collections are the ones that turn heads and have a story to tell. Does it always have to be over the top nonsense? Absolutely not. The beauty of haute couture is the signature it leaves on the house that creates it. Each atelier has voice. It’s how that voice gets interpreted that makes the collection sing.

Having said all that, there were a few collections that make be take notice. Some lean on the side of complacency, others, exuberant liberation. Regardless, each of these collections is exceptional in its delivery and deserves kudos.

Chanel

And the winner of the Most Improved Collection award goes too…
Pale and pastel were the watchwords this season as Lagerfeld softened his touch, and pumped out clothes that were not only beautiful, but felt lighter than seasons past. He’s still obsessed with his lofty plumage, but this season, it was refined and more approachable.Tailoring had a softer edge, and the bead-work, as always, dazzled. Let’s hope this trend continues next season.

Rami Al Ali

With only a handful of pieces, this house showed more established maisons how far clean editing can go. All done in blush and soft metallics, the pieces were worn like pliable sculpture, even when items like simple kimono tops were presented. In one season, this house managed to balance fantasy with wearability in a way that speaks volumes of its maturity.

On Aura Tout Vu

Bizarre clam shell muscle man mise en scene aside, I’m happy to announce that it’s status quo chez Tout Vu. I will always compliment this house on its inspired bead work, and this season was no exception. Working almost exclusively in a palette of black and white, it was impossible to keep up with the mosaic repetitions that adorned most, if not all of the looks that walked out. They kept the cuts clean and, for a change, only resorted to one over the top exit that included molded plastic body casts. This house knows its clients, and with approachable collections like this, are sure to entice more.

Margiela Artisanal

 Galliano continues to refine his taste at Margiela, and the more things change, the more they seem to establish a familiar vocabulary that existed before his appointment, but somehow became louder as he settled in. This season, he blew apart clothes until only the load-bearing seams were left, re-imagined applique in tulle, and layered clothes on the model that suggested they were leaving for far away excursions, and never returning. All brilliant techniques to use, and in some twisted reality I know not of, it all makes sense to the history of the house. Experimentation is the locked door of haute couture, and Galliano is listing to one side from the weight of his key chain.

Stepahne Rolland

Rolland’s signature draping was in full force this season, as it is every season, but this time he played with capturing movement in fabric. Each piece seemed as if the model had just turned or jumped, then the natural flight of the cloth was  frozen in time and rendered immobile, yet still completely wearable. Rolland does clean sophistication well, probably better than any other designer in Paris right now, and as his signature foundations rarely evolve over time, what he does manage to keep fresh are unexpected textile manipulations that feel like soft secrets being whispered to only those willing to listen.

Guo Pei

Over the top, impossible to walk in, jewel encrusted, completely devoid of all reality, and above all, unapologetically decadent…
I have no choice but to hand the season to Guo Pei’s Paris debut.
With pieces that walked like barely-wearable Fabergé eggs, Pei’s collection was forged from lost treasures found in the forgotten armoire of medieval royalty. Impossible textures of hammered gold, pleated fabrics laced with rich embroidery, and under-structures ripped from the sides of Chartres cathedral culminated in a collection that defined everything that is haute couture. Borderline costume? Damn skippy and may I have another please!?!
If haute couture has any future, that future rests on dreamers like Guo Pei. Bravo!

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Haute Couture: Fall 2016

Is it me or is Haute Couture week getting shorter and shorter every season? Yet, I feel they are constantly adding more and more shows.  I dunno..

This, as with the last SEVERAL seasons, has been a bit of a sleeper as far as the WOW factor is concerned. It’s like couture designers just don’t care about making a statement any more. I get that they have to pay the bills with wearable pieces, but at one point, the clientele is going to catch on to the fact that they are showing thirty-thousand dollar jackets that look just like the eight hundred dollar jackets selling in the stores.

There is no life to the collections any more. Even heavy-hitters that used to stun and shock have slipped into repetitive navel-gazing. There used to be an excitement to the couture collections. There used to be a buzz about the clothes. Now-a-days, the press is all about kissing designer ass and who was spotted in the front row. It’s a shame.

Maybe I’m just too hard to please, but for better or worse, here is my take on the Fall 2016 Haute Couture collections.  I’m not doing a turkey list this time because the season was more middle of the road than deep end; however, I have mixed in a few one-liners for your enjoyment.

All pictures are from NowFashion.com.
They have the BEST coverage of all the collections, check them out!

Schiaparelli

Schiaparelli, Couture Collection Fall Winter 2016 in Paris

Billed as an homage to Sciap’s original circus collection, it honestly felt like more of a pastiche. There were the obvious nods to the famous embroideries and motifs, and of course, the beading and embroidery were impeccable, but I can’t help but feel that Guyon (the current head designer) is just going through the motions and is afraid to strike out on his own with the collection. Hopefully he’ll stop rummaging through the archives soon and get down to giving this house its well-deserved update.

On Aura Tout Vu

On-Aura-Tout-Vu-Couture-Paris-FW16-2865-1467639829-bigthumb

When you want to look cute, but also value your personal space.

Like a good sauce, it’s best to let it reduce to bring out its finest flavor. This season, the Vu team did just that. They stuck to their usual, nonsensical whimsy, but in such a low key, the collection almost seemed quiet. Of course there were the usual insane embellishments and textiles (I really want to know what that translucent gray stuff is), but overall it worked. I could do without their obsession with insect legs, but I’m glad to see them still on the calendar and being themselves.

Dior

Dior,Couture,Collection Fall Winter 2016 in Paris

Dear house of Dior, why the Hell are you dragging your feet hiring a new designer? I mean seriously, your ready to wear is more exciting, and that’s not saying much. This collection was so boring and unimaginative, I worry this will be the norm from now on. Hire someone already. It’s really not that difficult. In the meantime, stop pumping out this lifeless crap. Thank you.

Chanel

Chanel Couture Collection, Fall Winter 2016 Fashion Show in Paris

“No no, I WANT the dress to make it look like I’m carrying around a spread-eagle gorilla on my back. It’ll be chic!”

MY GAWD this collection was ugly – horrible cuts, nothing fit and all of the embellishments looked like afterthoughts. I mean, Karl has had some clunkers, but I don’t remember seeing anything this bad in a long time. Save for ONE dress, this season is absolutely forgettable chez Chanel, best to avoid it.

Julien Fournie

Julien Fournié, Couture Collection Fall Winter 2016 in Paris

OK, I’m sold. Yeah, it was a bit obvious, but this season at Fournie was great. Beautifully simple in its delivery, each look had a desirability that screamed elegance. Interesting embellishments, beautiful cuts and even though it was a little on the predictable side, each exit was a class act. Odd that I’m getting excited about a designer actually doing his job correctly, but hey, I’ll take what I can get. Bravo!

Stephane Rolland

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I love it when designers do what they do well. Rolland knows how to sculpt fabric into undulating confections of wearable sculpture better than most designers on the market today. He rarely strays from his beloved black and white, and in any other hands, I would probably call a repetition penalty, but when he works his traditional magic, the delivery is anything but boring. Cool cuts, BEAUTIFUL sheer insets and refined embellishments knock this season out of the park.

J Mendel Couture

J.Mendel Couture Fall Winter 2016 Fashion Show in Paris

And I’m calling this dress the “Landing Strip.”

Pretty weak debut for someone of Mendel’s clout. The guy already designs expensive clothes, what was the point of marking them up further? If you want  an evening look in need of a Brazilian, you should definitely make an appointment for a fitting.

Givenchy

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Well, at least they showed something. Givenchy has been off the calendar for a while now, and I kinda see why. Tisci (the current head designer) is usually a great couture designer. I normally  love what he does,  but this season was, uhh… interesting? Half the lace looked like kitchen curtains and this pleated number is dumpy at best, but overall… oh who am I kidding? It was boring and uninspired. Look, I get that he’s been in ready-to-wear mode for a while now, so I’m going to let it slide, but step it up Ricardo. You’re better than this.

Maison Margiela

Maison Margiela, Fashion Show, Couture Collection Fall Winter, Paris

Maison Margiela, Fashion Show, Couture Collection Fall Winter, Paris

Is it a dress? A blanket? An off-the-shoulder bathrobe? All of the above? Who knows, but that’s kinda the point, huh? Galliano has been at the MM helm for a few seasons now, and manages EVERY DAMN TIME to merge his sensibilities AND that of Margiela’s traditions – confusion, experiment, found-object and history. I honestly think that Galliano getting fired from Dior was the best thing that could have happened to him.  At Dior, he was bound by a legacy of restriction. At MM, the only thing that restricts him is his imagination. Odd, yes, but that’s right in step with the mood of the house.

Elie Saab

Elie Saab, Fashion Show, Couture Fall Winter 2016 in Paris

I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, Saab is best when he turns to the dark side.  This collection was so deep, rich and mysterious, by the time the blush and nude colors finished the collection, you almost missed them in the darkness. The cuts were experimental for the house, if not grounded in Sabb technique, the embellishments, even though beautifully decadent, were almost architectural, and the styling was clean and classy. It was like fairy land in a black out, and frankly, I hope Saab keeps cutting down the power lines. I have no idea what that means, but whatever, the collection was great.

Gaultier Paris

Jean Paul Gaultier, Couture Collection Fall Winter 2016 in Paris

Well, it was better than last season. Don’t get me wrong, it was a good collection, but JUST good. With a dark forest theme, Gaultier cleaned out his techniques vault and cranked out familiar shapes and embellishments with a modern edge.  There were elements from past shows, like the beautiful, pleated leaves on Chrystelle’s dress that harkened back to the late 80’s/early 90’s, and familiar shapes, like the structured suits of his French can-can collection and the wide brimmed coifs that were direct patterns from his Mongolian travelers collection. It all felt comfortable, but still lacking in forward creativity. There were a few missteps, like those bizarre flaps dangling from the fronts and backs of like 20 looks, but still, there was a richness to the pieces. He could stand to step away from the Grés pleating for a change, but I think this season gave me a little hope for the Gaultier future.

Viktor and Rolf

Viktor&Rolf,Fashion Show, Couture Fall Winter 2016 in Paris

A trip to Goodwill, that’s what I’m calling this collection. That might sound like a bit of an insult, but it really isn’t. The Dutch duo likes to over-explore one theme with their couture collections, and this season they choose weaving as their starting point. Not intricate jacquards or twills, but rather a terribly simple over/under plain weave.  Taking odds and ends off the racks, they cut up then re-weaved mismatched scraps and ribbons to give very simple clothes, VERY artistic textures. They raided the random button jar, and covered every conceivable surface in thousands of the fasteners.  Beautiful tulle layers and blown together embellishments gave this season a welcome uniqueness that their past few collection have been lacking. Overall, a great step forward.

Zuhair Murad.

Zuhair Murad, Couture Collection Fall Winter 2016 in Paris

This guy does embroidered tulle probably better than any other designer working today. I mean, there’s sexy, and then there is Murad sexy. The goofy cowboy hats that adorned 60% of the models were missteps -honestly, they looked like an afterthought, but OMG these were some of the best looking bodices I have seen in a very long time from him, or any other designer.  I’m not sure classy and super sexy belong together, but if they do Zuhair’s got it all sewn up.

Valentino

Valentino-Couture-FW16-Paris

OMG PLEASE MAKE ANOTHER DRESS PATTERN ALREADY!! WHO NEEDS THIS MANY OF THAT ONE CUT OMG PLEASE?!?!! Now that that’s out of the way, this collection was rich in it its simplicity. A romp through the middle ages cum Renaissance, there were high, ruffled collars, doublet bodices and plenty of restrained elegance to pass around the medieval banquet hall. Revolutionary? Not at all, but there was such a fine, edited eye placed on this collection, I was forced to acknowledge it. The design duo that heads up Valentino does one thing VERY well, they design a collection.  Yes, they can repeat cuts ad nauseam, but they are so damn good at editing and staying true to the house’s objectives that, even though I hound them, I secretly respect them for what they are doing. SHHHHH! DON’T TELL NOBODY, Y’ALL!!! In conclusion, I hate it all and love it at the same time.

Armani Privé

Giorgio Armani Prive, Fashion Show, Couture Fall Winter 2016 in Paris

Giorgio Armani Prive, Fashion Show, Couture Fall Winter 2016 in Paris

WHO’S THE LEADER OF THE CLUB THAT’S MADE FOR YOU AND ME? M-I-C…  Oooohh, you know the rest!

As usual, Armani put me to sleep, and as usual, I’ve given up caring. The same old, same old per Girogio; I honestly wonder how he stays in business cranking out clothes that look JUST LIKE his ready to wear collection. Oh well, I’m going back to sleep. G’nite.

Alexandre Vauthier

Alexandre Vauthier, Fashion Show, Couture Fall Winter 2016 in Paris

Normally I ignore this house. I mean, it’s got its moments, but over all, it’s just sexy, rock-chick clothes; however, this season saw a slight bit of refinement, and that was worth noticing. Yeah, there were the usual “up to there” splits and sex-kitten cuts, but maybe, juuuust maybe, Vauthier is cleaning up his act. I don’t need him to clean it all up, I mean, sex pays the bills, but little numbers like this go a LONG way to showing customers that naughty can be refined.

Adeline André

Adeline André Fashion Show, Couture Collection Fall Winter 2016 in Paris

In the year 3562, this is what doctors will wear into surgery.

Let’s face it; André has been doing the same thing for decades now. And by “doing the same thing,” I literally mean DOING THE SAME THING. You could pull a look from her first season and mix it within the lineup from the current season, and you would have NO idea that it was from the archives.  She refuses to stray from her path, and that is her strongest attribute. It is platonic and clean to the point you wonder how she’s stayed in business for so long? Yup, but within that, you have to admit that her body of work looks nothing like anything else on the couture runways, and for that stick-with-it-ness, I applaud her.

Ulyana Sergeenko

Ulyana Sergeenko, Fashion Show, Couture Fall Winter 2016 in Paris

When you get dressed in the dark, but still have to ride your moped to work.

I mean, yeah, I don’t know why I ever expect this collection to make ANY sense, but here we are. It was bonkers, as usual, and I’m just so very tired of that. The clothes are ugly, the styling is goofy as Hell and none of it makes a lick of sense. Sequined bathrobe? Check. Bodysuit? Check. Dad’s shoes? Check. Goofy-ass garter belt with matching tights? THAT’S A BIG OL’ CHECK! This is what an unstable old lady wears to the grocery store when she runs out of her medication. Only I know the old lady didn’t have to drop the better part of 40,000 dollars to buy it.

Atelier Versace

Versace Atelier, Fashion Show, Couture Fall Winter 2016 in Paris

This collection is difficult for me because I’m totally on the fence with it. On one hand, I applaud Donatella’s experimentation with the draping and the cuts, on the other hand, it all felt a little too derivative of other designers’ work.  I mean, if you told me Haider Ackerman had taken over the house, I honestly would have believed it. There were some beautiful pieces, like the one pictured, where the house nailed it, but others just felt rushed and unfinished. I dunno, I’m giving it to Versace for the step forward, but maybe refine and edit the collection a bit more in the future.

OK, that wraps up the season for me.

I’m going to be working on some showpieces and will update you all with progress pics as soon as I make some progress.

Toodles!

Haute Couture – Paris, Fall 2015. Part Deux

Chanel 

The press buzz is that this was a safe mode collection for Lagerfeld; and you know what, that’s OK with me. The Kaiser has been foisting experiments on us for a while now and this season he decided to circle the wagons and reflect on the house’s history, rather than break new ground on a distant shore. It was less “obvious staple” and more controlled refinement as each exit built on the previous one. The shapes and silhouettes were clean and the embellishments, a Chanel standard, were elegant and, above all, appropriate for the mood. I could have done without the severe hair and ultra-clunky shoes, but other than those two minor inconveniences, the show was a hit in my book.

Georges Hobeika

Sameness is as sameness does, but there was a slight step forward this season chez Hobeika. He didn’t blaze a new path with cut or embellishment, but what he turned in was so elegant, and yet, so very jaunty, I had to give him credit. The floral embroideries did get a little stale after a while, but the white gown with the center front slit breathed new life into what would have otherwise been another obvious entry into an understated collection. Long columns ruled the day and for a designer focusing on refining his skills, it’s not a bad shape to concentrate on.

Giambattista Valli

Oh boy. Well, let’s just say this about Valli’s haute couture collections: whatever you bought last season, will probably have a companion piece this season. The guy knows how to design and make clothes, but at this point, each collection feels like one long continuation of the previous season. He did manage to slip in a few innovative cuts and ideas, but at this point, it’s just not enough progress for me. Yes, the clothes are beautifully made. Yes, the starlets will fawn over them on the red carpet, but frankly speaking, if you’ve seen one Valli gown, you’ve seen them all. I get that he has to make the customer happy, but how many tiered organza ball gowns do his clients need?

Armani Prive

Intergalactic glam rock of the future. Well, that’s what I got out of this show at least. Armani didn’t go crazy with outré innovation for this collection, in fact, some of the ballgown shapes looked like prom dresses from the early 80’s; however, the real story here was his unmistakably rich hand when embellishing the looks. The beading and dyeing flowed in and out of seamless ombrés that looked like he dipped the dresses in the moody flotsam and jetsam of a distant nebula. The pieces were elegant and, while simple in delivery, dripped with the refined elegance of haute couture. Earth-shattering? No, but for a house that has been coasting on “pretty” for so many seasons, it’s nice to see Armani reach into the darkness and pull out a winner.

Artisanal Margiela

Perfection, AGAIN!! I could go on and on about how Galliano manages to dissect a house and merge with it in splendid symbiosis, but at this point, you don’t need that. What you do need to know is that once again, Galliano has thrown caution to the wind and churned out a collection that reeks of Margiela’s desire to never conform. Did any of it make sense? Hell no, but that’s what makes Galliano’s tenure at the Maison such an amazing ride! The cuts were spectacularly confusing, the embellishments exist as a tribute to eclectic ephemera, and the textile treatments evoke a lost steamer trunk of forgotten cloth artifacts left over from a bygone epoch that no one knew existed. Oh, to be a couture client and have the gumption to rock these looks at a calendar’s worth of social events!

More to come…

Fall 2015 Ready to Wear: Paris

Paris when it sizzles!

I was pleasantly surprised this time around, in the city of lights. Yeah, there were a few duds, but honestly, there weren’t that many bad collections. Honestly, there was something to pull from every line presented this season.

I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but for the first time EVER on this blog, I don’t have a fashion turkey list to present for this city OR the entire season.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS HAPPENING!!!

Having said that, let’s focus on the last stop of the magical fashion tour that is fall 2015.

 Aganovich

Second season I’ve noticed this collection and well, I think I’m in love. It does skew a bit steampunk meets Tim Burton, but really, how is that a bad thing? The cuts are innovative, the fabrics, although traditional, are always rendered with a modern vibe, and the styling is clean and fitting to the mood.  Sure, some of these pieces are a bit formal and buttoned up, but separated, these pieces would blend into an existing wardrobe of curiosities from around the fashion museum. I would genuinely be interested in seeing a menswear line from this house.

Akris

This house has been around for a while now and their sophisticated longevity was easily reflected in this fall collection. You can always count on Akris to deliver a clean collection, but this season came with a side of subversive sex appeal that is sure to delight their existing clientele and entice a whole new, interested customer.  There wasn’t a retro silhouette in the bunch, and all of the modern fabrics and treatments drove home the point that Akris is setting a course for the future of fashion. Yeah, I know that sounds like nonsense, but seriously, this collection is fantastic.

 Dries Van Noten

Dear Dries, I love you. No, seriously, I really love you and what you do for the industry. I know whe’ve had some dicey seasons recently, but all was forgiven when I saw this collection. It is brilliant. You managed to take the history of your house and inject a healthy dose of freshness into it. The over skirts, in their simplicity, were outstanding.  The stark ethnic prints evoked a linear tribalism that should be explored for future collection inspiration. And the textures and surface treatments… perfection. Thank you for making me smile, thank you for designing this collection and thank you for making beautiful things.

Chanel

Well, if you needed to go shopping for old lady clothes this coming fall, HAVE I GOT A HOUSE FOR YOU! Seriously, every look on the runway had a dated, vintage look without any sense of irony. Goofy volumes, clunky details and wandering fabric patterns left me confused and scared.  Nothing in this collection seemed to fit, and in the case of that hideous chicken feather overcoat, practically drowned the model in a flurry of gully-fluff! This is the season to skip at Chanel.

Maison Margiela

Well, if the Artisinal collection Galliano designed for the house didn’t convince you that he knows what the Hell he is doing, this collection drove the point home like a NASCAR driver crossing the finish line. Yes the makeup and styling was over the top, but honestly, for this house, a genuine argument could be made for its restraint! There were treats and tricks to every look. From almost unnoticeable beading on the print of a blazer to the loose floats on a brocade woven to look inside out, the textile story this season was superb. This collection has never been for the masses, and as long as Galliano is at the helm, I’m just fine with that. Bravo John!

 McQueen

OMG REAL CLOTHES ON THE RUNWAY!!! I can’t believe it! From start to finish, I honestly couldn’t see one goofy showpiece! I’m truly floored that Burton was able to stow away the pageantry and focus on wearable pieces. Hell, even the cuts looked like a bevy of house signatures and line traditions. I don’t have a problem with the showmanship as long as there is SOMETHING to wear on the runway. but it just seems that Burton couldn’t calm down the crazy in recent seasons. Here, she shows restraint and refinement. Sarah, please keep this up, because this collection was great!

Rick Owens

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Rick Owens is a brilliant designer. His grandeur does get away from him from time to time, but honestly, the guy knows how to make clothes! He knows his customer inside and out and delivers what they want with every collection. This season was an exercise in control as he focused on a palette of Earth tones like stone and ochre. The styling was clean, save for a few gilded faces, and the draping on some of the more ornate pieces was innovative and interesting. You’re never going to go to Owens for a glamorous evening gown, but what he offers in exchange is just as stunning and worth of a spotlight. Not for everyone, but there is definitely going to be a line outside the door when these pieces hit the store next fall.

Yoji Yamamoto

I was almost hesitant to talk about this collection; I’m not really sure why, but I saw its beauty as reaching back to Yamamoto’s collections of the 90’s, and this kind of worried me that Yoji was creating a swan song, of sorts. There was such an honestly to the clothes, and I know this is going to sound really stupid, that they felt almost TOO personal.  Like he was ending something and never returning. I know, I know, weird, right? Anyhoo, this collection was beautiful. From clean and simple looks like the gray jacket pictured, to over the top ball gowns built with scaffolding and under structures that stuck out like card tables, this collection covered all the points it set out to make. I just hope this season doesn’t end something for Yamamoto because I want to see what the future holds for his work.

OK kids, that’s all for this season.

I’ll be back soon with a big announcement. Well, it’s big for me.

Paris Couture Week: The Aftermath

Fall 2014 Paris Haute Couture week is a thing of the past, and what a delicious feast it was! I rarely declare my favorites, but I’m giving this season to Stephane Rolland and Atelier Versace. Those two houses knocked it out of the park with stellar collections.

Having said that, well…

Let’s face it, with the good, comes the bad and boy, did we get the bad this season. Now, like I’ve said before, some of the best collections have pieces in both the hit and miss columns. You can’t expect a chef to prepare a banquet and not serve a turkey every now and then; so, without further ado…

I present haute couture that… I just can’t…

(Captions follow images.)

Rami Al AliHaute Couture Fall Winter 2014_15 Paris July 2014

“I’d like to try on the giant, pink vagina dress, please.”  …Said no Rami Al Ali, haute couture client, ever.

Chanel, Haute Couture, Fall Winter, 2014, Fashion Show in Paris

Somewhere in the jungle, a gorilla shivers in the night because those bastards at Chanel skinned his legs to make the weirdest arm warmers in existence.  Damn those things are goofy. Any higher and it would look like the model forgot to shave her pits for the last ten years. Now, I know they are feathers, but Hell, King Kong would be jealous of her arms’ fullness.

Fred Sathal, Couture, Fall Winter, 2014, Fashion Show in Paris

NINETAILS! I CHOOSE YOU! Ninetails used attract. It failed. Ninetails fainted.

Honestly, I’m convinced Fred Sathal trained a bunch of stray cats with well-groomed tails to hold onto a corset or something while the model took to the runway.

Giorgio Armani Privé, Couture, Fall Winter, 2014, Fashion Show in Paris

It looks like Armani’s secretary was trying to install a new adding machine ribbon when everything went horribly wrong.

Maison Martin Margiela, Couture, Fall Winter, 2014, Fashion Show in Paris

Dear Maison Martin Margiela, please give my aunt Edith back her living room curtains. The bright light streaming in from the morning sun hurts her eyes.

Schiaparelli, Couture, Fall Winter, 2014, Fashion Show in Paris

This Schiaparelli dress looks like it caught some terrible virus from the leopard carpet.  I see that the darkness has already spread to the model’s gloves. Oh, and on a personal note, it KILLS me that they used double the printed fabric in the bodice. It throws off the soft butter color on the rest of the dress and is making the OCD in me twitch.

Serkan Cura, Haute Couture, Fall Winter, 2014, Fashion Show in Paris

I have no idea how or why her reproductive system exited her body, got covered in glitter and started attacking her, but I hope Serkan Cura figures it out before he makes any more dresses.

Frank Sorbier, Haute Couture, Fall Winter, 2014, Fashion Show in Paris

I don’t want to know what she stuffed down the front of her pants to give her a package because she looks like the kind of girl who can kick my ass.

On Aura Tout Vu, Couture, Fall Winter, 2014, Fashion Show in Paris

Why do I feel that she could get a job serving hors d’oeuvres at the On Aura Tout Vu after-party? Just skewer the boiled shrimp to the crystals and carry some cocktail sauce in a handbag. Maybe she should be wearing a skirt made of napkins.

Oscar Carvallo, Couture, Fall Winter, 2014, Fashion Show in Paris

Why did Oscar Caravallo steal his mamma’s kitchen curtains to make a skirt? And he’d better give his dog back its cone or you just know the damn thing’s gonna lick those stitches.

Until next season!!